True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
