Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
