dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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