i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
