When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
