Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
