What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
