Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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