we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
