My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
