I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
