peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
