I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
