that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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