Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
