Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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