haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
