Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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