We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
