Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
