Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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