it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
