I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
