im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
