I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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