I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So much Jack, so little girl.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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