Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i need some magic done to my vagina
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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