last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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