I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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