you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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