Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
