My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
