I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
