I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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