Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
