is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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