Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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