Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
