the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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