She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
