just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
