I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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