the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
