I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
