How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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