But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
