i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
