So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
God, I missed his penis.
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