I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
