mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
