And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
