I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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