I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
