he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
why does every cop we meet know your name?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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