dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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