i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
