I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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